IF Urban Legend

Ok, this was presented to me as fact, and I know someone who knows the someone this happened to... but it too crazy, too wonderful, to not be a movie plot.

Once upon a time there was an extremely wealthy couple who was IF.  To try and make a baby, they had 20 IVFs.  That is not a typo.  20.  After 20 failed IVFs, they decided to move to surrogacy.   Everything was going fine - but then at 8.5 months - the baby died.  Devastating.  Was it not meant to be?  The couple persevered, and started two more surrogacies at the same time after that.  One of the baby girls - born very early - for a while it didn't look good.  Were they never to have a baby?  But in the end, she was ok.  Other girl was born no problem.

So this IF couple was finally happy, they had their almost-twin girls, they resumed life.

And then a few years later....

Pregnant.  Naturally.  40 years old.  They weren't even trying.  Now they also have a healthy son!

And they lived happily ever after.

What?!!?
Amazing.
Wonderful.
Delightful.
Hopeful.

Friday night with FOGA ladies!

I had a lovely friday night out with the ladies from the fertility-yoga classes [herein known as FOGA] I took a few months ago.  It was nice to catch up and see where everyone was at (well, almost everyone - JB couldn't be there, and we were missing another as well).

Alas, no one that took the class has caught yet.  Poot.  Well, one lady was doing IVF embryo transfer yesterday, I have high hopes.  :)

I think we'll try to meet up every month or so - that will be really nice.  It's nice to socialize with peeps that know what you're going through, even though we're all at different stages and have different challenges.

We're still in our "off month" - I'm not keeping track of days or anything.  It still remains to be seen what is up for next month.  Another off month....perhaps a visit to begin Napro...or potentially a 2nd IUI.  My DH wants to take a break until January... I'm not so sure I want to wait that long.  We'll see.  This morning (at church) I was thinking I could wait until January (it's not like we're going to stop trying, we're just not going to obsess over it), but once the 2WW hits, I can become rather  unpredictable.

Anyhoo, tomorrow is for Turkey and toffee-pumpkin-cheesecake!  yum!  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

So here's my take on this whole she-bang:

CD1.

All preggo signs have ceased.  No more heartburn, no more crying or drama, no more tiredness.  (Yesterday I finally woke up and realized I have such a nice DH, to try and look on the bright side - aka, my mood got better.  The days before those thoughts just didn't hold water, all I could think was "boohoo".)  BUT, here is my crazy-talk for today:

(warning TMI coming)

I think I was preggo for like 2-3 days, and then it was done.  Today there was a huge gross red "tissue like" mass when I wiped today.  I have never seen such a thing.  Like, huge.  Like 1/3 or 1/4 of a golf ball.  (Sorry.  I warned you.)

Either:

1. Sperm was no good
2. Egg was no good
3. Embryo was no good
4. Environment was no good

I am betting on #4.  Sigh.   What's the deal, yo?

So.... either I needed maybe progesterone or something else and didn't get it (or it got something it didn't want - infection?), environment was unsuitable, bye bye baby.  In which case I should go see a Napro doc.  (Or the magic of endo - yes, as I am here with my VERY OUCHY AF, endo comes to mind again... - in which case I should see a Napro doc.)

Or - this was just my first miscarriage.  No harm, no foul.  One in four, right?  This way I didn't ever really know, so I couldn't be so anguished.  In that case - we keep trying naturally, and in a month or two, visit Dr A again for IUI with Clo.mid.  Chances will then be 40%.

I will go in tomorrow for my "BFN test", just so maybe Nurse Cheese can say something mean to me, to brighten my Friday.

Either way, next month is "off".  No counting or anything.  I think my poor husband needs a break from everything so scheduled as well.  We see Dr Nora mid-month, I can ask her for a referral to a Napro doc at that time if that's how we're going to go.

I quit.

Honestly, this week has been awful.

1. Boobies Sore - but let's face it, they're not that sore anymore.  Typical CD25.
2. Terrible Heartburn yesterday and today (I cried for 5 min after I read that)
3. That day of super tiredness last week
4. At least three crying jags today

All those little signs.
And today?
Spotting.

This is the pits.  I think I give up.  I can't do this anymore.  WTIF.  To be such a mess and not even pg?!?  Crap.

Listless

CD23
It's our 2nd anniversary today.
And all I can think about is that we've been TTC for 2 years now.


2 years.


I feel so listless.  I can't even figure out what to do for October's cycle, let alone fathom another few years at this.  Should we go to a Napro doc?  Try an IUI with cl.omid?  Both of these things take so much effort.

Way back when, 2 years was going to be our cutoff.  When we start the adoption process, or give up all together and live abroad for a while (not give up like start using BC, but give up like stop trying so darn hard).

If I can't have babies, I want to live a more-fun life.  I've been nesting for two years now - buying a nice child-friendly house in a nice child-friendly neighbourhood.  Working hard at a job I don't like to save up money for when I will hopefully be a SAHM.  Categorizing each day with respect to what part of the cycle I am in.

But how long can I stay in this waiting game?  Neither DH nor I are particularly happy.  (With work - marriage very good, thank goodness).  I've become super boring in the last two years.  Which is fine if you're about to have a baby, but sort of lame if you're not.

I know many of you dear ladies eat two years of TTC for breakfast and keep on marching, but this is significant to us.  Sorry for the ultra-whiny post, I probably shouldn't be allowed to blog on a Monday morning.

So... do I or don't I need extra progesterone?

CD21

By the numbers:
Lining 12mm (good)
Estrogen 293 - ?
LH 3.2
FSH 2.6
Progesterone 26.9

Is that an ok number for progesterone today?  I am six days past ovulation.  I am slightly obsessing.  I asked Nurse Cheese about if it was good enough...they're not much for commitment at Dr A's.  She was all, "I've seen a viable triplet pregnancy with progesterone levels of 30" and "I've seen a successful pregnancy with progesterone of 25".  All well and good - but should I be supplementing?!?  The Napro peeps and Dr Nora LOVE supplementing progesterone, but Dr A isn't a fan at all.  I would really appreciate any advice, if you have it, blogsisters!

In other news, I do have a little bit of the sore boobies.  This is good.  Since the TCM herbs have been out of my system, I haven't had a month with sore boobs.  And I swear I had low level cramping last night.  I like those things.  I was crazy tired last night and this morning, which I also thought was good, but I'm ok now...which maybe isn't as good.

All in all, I've been pretty chill (for me).  This picture sums it up:  waiting.  It is my wallpaper at work, and I find it soothing.  The SB are messing with my head a little bit though, we'll see if I make it through next week with my sanity.  Our 2nd anniversary this weekend - officially two years of 'trying'.  It will be a huge bummer if this cycle doesn't catch - two years was supposed to be some sort of cut off for us - time for adoption?  But we're not quite ready yet... we're just waiting.

11 million soldiers are now swimming their way towards victory.

CD16.
Well, the deed is done.

(11 million washed from 104 million!  Yay!  Doc said we only need 10 million!)

It was surprisingly painless.  Much less painful than a PAP smear.  So...no big shakes.

I'm having a little cramping now.  It's fine.  I've been feeling a bit nauseous on and off today (due to maybe something I ate yesterday?  Started this morning, before IUI, no connection), so I've been sticking to broth and whatnot.  (Making some fish soup for dinner now  - tried to buy some fish heads to make some nice fish broth, but no dice - will have to go to the Chinese grocery store.)

I ovulated yesterday-ish.  I am already [TMI] into progesterone CM, said he.  So... hope we're not too late!!  Had a nice visit with the friend of ours who tried for a few years - met their new baby girl.  Very cute!  We spilled the beans about the IUI to them... they are rooting for us as well, that is nice.

Had an interesting conversation about "implantation problems" with Dr Awesome.  He feels that very very few people have actual implantation problems - he thinks that mostly is a code for a doctor that isn't doing the right things (with respect to IVF).  Interesting.  At any rate, I like hearing that "very very".  :)