CD23
It's our 2nd anniversary today.
And all I can think about is that we've been TTC for 2 years now.
2 years.
I feel so listless. I can't even figure out what to do for October's cycle, let alone fathom another few years at this. Should we go to a Napro doc? Try an IUI with cl.omid? Both of these things take so much effort.
Way back when, 2 years was going to be our cutoff. When we start the adoption process, or give up all together and live abroad for a while (not give up like start using BC, but give up like stop trying so darn hard).
If I can't have babies, I want to live a more-fun life. I've been nesting for two years now - buying a nice child-friendly house in a nice child-friendly neighbourhood. Working hard at a job I don't like to save up money for when I will hopefully be a SAHM. Categorizing each day with respect to what part of the cycle I am in.
But how long can I stay in this waiting game? Neither DH nor I are particularly happy. (With work - marriage very good, thank goodness). I've become super boring in the last two years. Which is fine if you're about to have a baby, but sort of lame if you're not.
I know many of you dear ladies eat two years of TTC for breakfast and keep on marching, but this is significant to us. Sorry for the ultra-whiny post, I probably shouldn't be allowed to blog on a Monday morning.
It is very painful to realize this ttc process can really take hold of your life in SO many ways while other things in your life is either forgotten or put in the back burner that is what happened to us for 2 straight years it was like I want a baby and how can we get me pregnant. Blah, i don't think we can ever let go of wanting to be a mom but we can try to find some sense of balance out of all of this somehow. Work and the home you live in has to at least reflect some positive light especially going through IF treatments...it is very tough. It is great your marriage is strong as that is what will help the both of you get through this journey. Living abroad sounds like so much fun! My idea of living abroad is moving to Ottawa...hahahah i know sounds so strange but each time we go there we enjoy the city but not the cold. We even consider that once i finsh my school and work in my field we will consider relocating out of toronto or consider purchasing a vacation home somewhere so that when we retire we can have an excuse to travel and live in a foreign country...It took me a very long time to realize that there is more to life then just wanting to be a mom. You can start living some of that life you want while you are ttcing, take a break and go on a vacation and come back and decide what you want to do next. We are planning to buy a home with 3 bedrooms and making 1 bedroom as an office and the other as a guest bedroom so even if a child never enters into our lives that is okay but if there will be a child then we can easily convert the rooms to a kids room. You gotta enjoy your lives together..it is very important..trust me going through treatments back to back and ongoing is very stressful. Go plan some fun things to do together.
ReplyDeleteI'm with butterfly on this one. Technically, we've been TTC for 10 years, but there are different levels of TTC. I've only really been doing the intense TTC for 2 years, like you....before that it was on and off because I kept thinking it would just happen and I was afraid of ART. So I'd see a doctor here and there, have a procedure or surgery and then be done with it for a bit. But I really understand what you mean about life choices - I stayed in a job I hated that wasn't good for me for 4 years for the mat leave. Living your life does not mean giving up. You are very young and you have lots of time to conceive still, but live your life. Get a job you like, move abroad, go on a holiday, whatever...and if you want to pursue NaPro at the same time, do it...because if for some reason you get pregnant and you are not in the perfect house with the perfect job, it really won't matter because your soul will be fulfilled and you'll have 9 months to figure the rest out. XO
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
If you move abroad, I will be VERY sad and lonesome for you. But please do what will make you happiest.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I dont have any magic words for ya and I know how badly you want to start a family! I understand that having the 2year mark come up really is devastating. I wish I could give ya a hug! Of course, I am going to suggest Napro...:) Yes, it does take time...all of this does!!! I agree with butterfly, go plan something fun and just enjoy each other. I am praying for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe second and third years of IF were definitely the hardest -- and trust me, I hope you don't have to wait as long as I have! I thought that I would've reached my threshold a LONG time ago, but here I am all excited about my surgery in November. How much more can I take after that, I don't know.
ReplyDeleteAnd do agree with St. Rita's Roses, Napro has gotten me this far and so much healthier!
And yes, I'm praying for you too!
ReplyDeleteIn a way we are all blessed to have found each other in here so here is one of the many many positive things that are happening in our lives right now! Life is too short to be always stressing about something that we cannot control. Think of the things that both yourself and Dh would love to do or accomplish and just go for it and I agree with Mad Hatter, live your life now and one day when the baby comes into your life you can figure out where you want to live and what job you want to be working in. Don't put your life on hold anymore and just start living it and everything else will fall into place and if not ..hey at least the both of you will have somethings to be happy about because you are both doing things you love. As one of my girfriends once said to me when i went to work and was completely devestated with yet some more bad news from a failed infertility treatment--you are a woman with many many different aspects about you not just a person who is trying to conceive...that actually woke me up to re-evaluate my life and take control of it again and let me just say although we are not parents yet but i feel empowered to move forward to live my life to the fullest. I agree JellyBelly, i am totally looking forward to accomplishing the upcoming surgery and getting well and say..i've accomplished and overcame yet another challenge in my life.
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs CS and don't worry, everything will fall in to place for you and the answers will come as well..but in the meantime go have a glass of wine or 2... and some chocolate!
I had a tough time when I hit year 2 also, I think it's just a tough part of the timeline. I'm kind of biased but I'm all about Napro! It does take a lot of work but it's so worth it. And I said that even before my bfp...it really improved my quality of life.
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