So here's my take on this whole she-bang:

CD1.

All preggo signs have ceased.  No more heartburn, no more crying or drama, no more tiredness.  (Yesterday I finally woke up and realized I have such a nice DH, to try and look on the bright side - aka, my mood got better.  The days before those thoughts just didn't hold water, all I could think was "boohoo".)  BUT, here is my crazy-talk for today:

(warning TMI coming)

I think I was preggo for like 2-3 days, and then it was done.  Today there was a huge gross red "tissue like" mass when I wiped today.  I have never seen such a thing.  Like, huge.  Like 1/3 or 1/4 of a golf ball.  (Sorry.  I warned you.)

Either:

1. Sperm was no good
2. Egg was no good
3. Embryo was no good
4. Environment was no good

I am betting on #4.  Sigh.   What's the deal, yo?

So.... either I needed maybe progesterone or something else and didn't get it (or it got something it didn't want - infection?), environment was unsuitable, bye bye baby.  In which case I should go see a Napro doc.  (Or the magic of endo - yes, as I am here with my VERY OUCHY AF, endo comes to mind again... - in which case I should see a Napro doc.)

Or - this was just my first miscarriage.  No harm, no foul.  One in four, right?  This way I didn't ever really know, so I couldn't be so anguished.  In that case - we keep trying naturally, and in a month or two, visit Dr A again for IUI with Clo.mid.  Chances will then be 40%.

I will go in tomorrow for my "BFN test", just so maybe Nurse Cheese can say something mean to me, to brighten my Friday.

Either way, next month is "off".  No counting or anything.  I think my poor husband needs a break from everything so scheduled as well.  We see Dr Nora mid-month, I can ask her for a referral to a Napro doc at that time if that's how we're going to go.

I quit.

Honestly, this week has been awful.

1. Boobies Sore - but let's face it, they're not that sore anymore.  Typical CD25.
2. Terrible Heartburn yesterday and today (I cried for 5 min after I read that)
3. That day of super tiredness last week
4. At least three crying jags today

All those little signs.
And today?
Spotting.

This is the pits.  I think I give up.  I can't do this anymore.  WTIF.  To be such a mess and not even pg?!?  Crap.

Listless

CD23
It's our 2nd anniversary today.
And all I can think about is that we've been TTC for 2 years now.


2 years.


I feel so listless.  I can't even figure out what to do for October's cycle, let alone fathom another few years at this.  Should we go to a Napro doc?  Try an IUI with cl.omid?  Both of these things take so much effort.

Way back when, 2 years was going to be our cutoff.  When we start the adoption process, or give up all together and live abroad for a while (not give up like start using BC, but give up like stop trying so darn hard).

If I can't have babies, I want to live a more-fun life.  I've been nesting for two years now - buying a nice child-friendly house in a nice child-friendly neighbourhood.  Working hard at a job I don't like to save up money for when I will hopefully be a SAHM.  Categorizing each day with respect to what part of the cycle I am in.

But how long can I stay in this waiting game?  Neither DH nor I are particularly happy.  (With work - marriage very good, thank goodness).  I've become super boring in the last two years.  Which is fine if you're about to have a baby, but sort of lame if you're not.

I know many of you dear ladies eat two years of TTC for breakfast and keep on marching, but this is significant to us.  Sorry for the ultra-whiny post, I probably shouldn't be allowed to blog on a Monday morning.

So... do I or don't I need extra progesterone?

CD21

By the numbers:
Lining 12mm (good)
Estrogen 293 - ?
LH 3.2
FSH 2.6
Progesterone 26.9

Is that an ok number for progesterone today?  I am six days past ovulation.  I am slightly obsessing.  I asked Nurse Cheese about if it was good enough...they're not much for commitment at Dr A's.  She was all, "I've seen a viable triplet pregnancy with progesterone levels of 30" and "I've seen a successful pregnancy with progesterone of 25".  All well and good - but should I be supplementing?!?  The Napro peeps and Dr Nora LOVE supplementing progesterone, but Dr A isn't a fan at all.  I would really appreciate any advice, if you have it, blogsisters!

In other news, I do have a little bit of the sore boobies.  This is good.  Since the TCM herbs have been out of my system, I haven't had a month with sore boobs.  And I swear I had low level cramping last night.  I like those things.  I was crazy tired last night and this morning, which I also thought was good, but I'm ok now...which maybe isn't as good.

All in all, I've been pretty chill (for me).  This picture sums it up:  waiting.  It is my wallpaper at work, and I find it soothing.  The SB are messing with my head a little bit though, we'll see if I make it through next week with my sanity.  Our 2nd anniversary this weekend - officially two years of 'trying'.  It will be a huge bummer if this cycle doesn't catch - two years was supposed to be some sort of cut off for us - time for adoption?  But we're not quite ready yet... we're just waiting.

11 million soldiers are now swimming their way towards victory.

CD16.
Well, the deed is done.

(11 million washed from 104 million!  Yay!  Doc said we only need 10 million!)

It was surprisingly painless.  Much less painful than a PAP smear.  So...no big shakes.

I'm having a little cramping now.  It's fine.  I've been feeling a bit nauseous on and off today (due to maybe something I ate yesterday?  Started this morning, before IUI, no connection), so I've been sticking to broth and whatnot.  (Making some fish soup for dinner now  - tried to buy some fish heads to make some nice fish broth, but no dice - will have to go to the Chinese grocery store.)

I ovulated yesterday-ish.  I am already [TMI] into progesterone CM, said he.  So... hope we're not too late!!  Had a nice visit with the friend of ours who tried for a few years - met their new baby girl.  Very cute!  We spilled the beans about the IUI to them... they are rooting for us as well, that is nice.

Had an interesting conversation about "implantation problems" with Dr Awesome.  He feels that very very few people have actual implantation problems - he thinks that mostly is a code for a doctor that isn't doing the right things (with respect to IVF).  Interesting.  At any rate, I like hearing that "very very".  :)

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both...

CD15
What an emotional rollercoaster this week has been!

Mon:  Doing good - very optimal.  First u/s + bloodwork seems to go well.
Tue:  Feeling really +ve and hopeful and energetic!
Wed:  Awful convo with Nurse Cheese.  Very sad and weepy.  Had to eat an enormous amount of really nice raw milk goat cheese, drink a large glass of wine, watch a bit of Teen Mom 3, and go out for pear gelato to cheer myself up.  
Wed:  Hebrews is really pg!  Yay!  (I was her prayer buddy for Lent, so this is especially exciting news - I prayed hard for those tubes to be open!)
Thu:  Read that E had her first period ever naturally, due to Inositol supplements.  Wow!  I LOVE hearing about how supplementation 'fixed' something!  (since I love nutrition)
Fri:  Another difficult conversation with Nurse Cheese.

I went in on Friday for my wanding, and the office was in a tizzy - they are replacing the carpeting  (which is good - the office is this BEAUTIFUL old Victorian house that has been nicely remodeled, but with really ratty carpeting).  So Dr A actually did my blood draw - I was a little nervous, he does this waaay less often than the nurses do (and he seemed a bit nervous too), but it was excellent.  He didn't seem to care about my too-big follicle ("your body doesn't run on an exact schedule like German trains do").

Nurse Cheese pretty much thinks this cycle is toast.  She keeps wanting us to BD, but I'm like "Um, we're MF, shouldn't we have at least 3 days in between?", then she hems and haws about it, because it is really non-obvious what the best thing to do is. 

IUI will be Sunday.  Have to skip church!  I told my choir director lady I won't be here on Sunday, something just came up, and she was like "Everything ok I hope?", and I was like, "Tell you in a few weeks!"  Hah!

I am nervous for tomorrow.  Even though I know it's no big deal.  I think it's because I am NERVOUS for the end of this upcoming 2WW!  I've had 2WW in the past when I've been terrified of AF arriving... I think this is going to be like that.

I asked Nurse Cheese if they would be wanding or doing bloodwork on Sunday, and she said No.  IUI is Sunday.  End of story.  I guess they don't care to know when it hit with respect to ovulation.  Is that normal?  Don't they have an scientific curiosity??

By the numbers (yesterday)
CD14
Follicle is 23mm
Lining 10-11mm
LH 10
Estrogen 599
FSH 3.1
Progesterone 3.4

IUI #1 is a bust?

Numbers aren't good today.  Follicle is too large for hormone levels.  :(  Essentially the follicle is pretty much mature (~20mm), but I'm not near ovulation yet.  I was hoping that I was ovulating early, but no dice.

I am very very sad.  I spent all day yesterday feeling great, so positive, so dare-I-say hopeful, that things were finally coming together... but they're not.  I had a big workout yesterday (shouldn't that increase my estrogen?  WTIF?!), was feeling happy and energetic all day.  Bah.

The nurse (who is named after cheese - and not the one you'd think) told me to come in again on Friday for another wanding/bloodwork.  She was very unimpressed with my single follicle.  She thinks the doc will cancel the cycle... I think probably not, since it was justified as a sperm diagnostic, but it is rather disheartening.

This is all further complicated by being Male Factor.  When to BD is tricky - we can't go longer than 5 days without, else they will go bad - and Friday will be 5 days.  But we need at least 3 days in between 'samples'.  So we can't go now, because if Friday is the day it won't be long enough.  But maybe we'll BD tonight, and take the risk that Friday they'll tell us Saturday is the day, and that will be 3 days?  Or if it is Friday, 5 days would be better than 2, but.... frig.  Maybe 2 is enough?

Or maybe my darn follicle will be too darn large anyway, so all of this matters not.  Internet seems to say both that anything over 24mm is too ripe, and that conversely ladies have gotten pg with follicles that are 34mm?  What's the deal?

It all makes me very sad.  And I think that makes me nauseous - the stress?  Either way, I fled from work.  I started to cry a bit in my cubicle - and that's not cool.  Better to be home. AND my right ovary hurts.  And I want to eat fugdeeos (but I don't eat store bought cookies).  Dangit - why is this so HARD?  :(

By the numbers:
CD12
Follicle ~20mm
Lining 8mm
Estrogen 440 (prev peak was 650)
LH 4.4 (prev peak was 48)
Progesterone 3.3
FSH 2.8
CM creamy (yesterday was EWCM)

A wanding I did go

My first wanding was today of this IUI #1 cycle.  It felt so strange - I didn't know what to do.
And it was the not-as-good nurse, she had the monitor turned, I couldn't see the wee follicles.

But wee it was not - 17.6mm.  CD10!  Ayyiyi!  I am 'normally' a later ovulator.  (I was expecting it'd be like 9mm).  Although obviously my 'normal' has shifted quite a bit since the TCM herbs are out of my system.  I wonder if the last few months have made my cycle better or not?  Certainly earlier... and longer, which is good.  Although this will be a killer 2WW.

And I made sure to ask for my hormone levels this time!

Estrogen 243 (um...either I am heading to ovulate <CD15, or I am slightly too high? but with such a huge follicle, it seems like ovulation <CD15 is likely)
LH 4.3 (not surging yet)
Progesterone 2.0 (fine at this time, I should think)
FSH 3.6 (umm... ok?)

I am to go in Wednesday for my next wanding.  If the wee follicle grows 2mm/day, I'll already be at 22mm on Wedneday!  Good.  I wonder what the second-best one is up to!?!?

Should I do acupuncture for IUUI #1?

Any thoughts?
Any stats?
Is it only IVF that is improved by acupuncture, or IUI as well?
What day does one book it for?

It would be kinda fun to see Dr Tanya again, but... well, it doesn't come for free, as they say!

Shampoo Eureka

I just had an epiphany.  About Shampoo.

I had noticed that I seemed to not get an itchy scalp when using my latest "hippie Shampoo".  And then I would get an itchy scalp when I washed my hair at the gym (I bring little hotel shampoos I've collected over the years), or when I travel (say, to my parents, who keep normal shampoos you can buy in the drug-store in the guest shower for us).

It was particularly bad when I was home this weekend, so I tried some Head and Shoulders while we were at our friend's place on Sunday night.  It got slightly better, but is still a bit itchy.  And I was thinking - what the heck, maybe I'll have to switch to H&S.  I loathe the scent of it, have been nagging at DH to switch for years without success, so have stopped nagging him.

But then I was wandering around the Internet looking for home remedies to dandruff, and lo and behold - "Make sure to examine the ingredients on your shampoo bottles and if ammonium/sodium lauryl sulfate is listed don’t use it anymore. It’s something they put in the shampoo to make it soapy. It can lead to dandruff, burning, and itchy skin."

What the heck!  It all fits together!  My darn SHAMPOO was causing me to itch!  The world is a scary place.

Now how can I convince DH to try my hippie shampoo for a few days?  I actually do love this latest one I've tried, I think it's a keeper - I will actually buy it again when I run out (normally I am not a loyal shampoo-er).  He has a different head than me, this might not be the cause of his itchy scalp, but it is worth a shot!  He's been using Hea.d and Shoul.ders for YEARS - he will not stray.  He doesn't use the store brand even.

Because, most importantly - Sodium Lauryl Sulfate is maybe bad for the spermies.  Maybe.  Probably?  Oh dear.

IUI #1 is a Go!

We just had our appt with Dr A.  One thing can be said for Dr A - he really doesn't rush you out.  We sat and talked for 45+ min - a faster doc could have had us out of there in <5 min.

The upshot of it all - he doesn't really think we should do IUI.  But, he is really interested to see how many sperm make it out of washing.  So the sperm washing is almost a diagnostic, in his view.  While DH's number are now slightly above average, he says a washing will really show us what we have to work with.  And then might as well time it and use it, so we agree on IUI #1. 

Because otherwise he's sort of against it - he says a woman my age with my husband's (now good) counts can easily take 6-12 months to conceive.  He wants us to keep trying another 6 months, and then we'll see.  That is too long, from my point of view, to sit around not-doing anything.  So IUI #1 it is.

The whole reason we went in for this talking appointment in the first place is that I want to do it un-medicated.  He gives our un-medicated odds at 20-25% for this IUI cycle.  I was expecting that.  He said if I took the medication (not injectables, just pills), he'd put the odds at 40%.  But I'm not ready for that yet.  If everything is hunky-dory with me, we shouldn't need it, we'll just need patience.  If everything isn't ok with me (aka, endometriosis), medication won't solve it.

He also puts our odds every month at 20% with doing nothing special, which is why he was against the un-medicated IUI to start with. This sort of messed with my poor DH's head a bit - he was starting to think I should take the medication, but the doc actually helped me to talk him out of it - Dr A could tell I didn't want the meds (at least yet).

If this cycle doesn't work, we'll keep trying naturally (of course!), and keep up with our vitamins and whatnot from Dr Nora, and we'll go in again in December for perhaps a medicated cycle.

Dr A did say he'll think I'll be a nightmare if we did IVF - well, not in those words, but essentially.  I usually have a lot of follicles, they'll go gangbusters on mediation, and it will be awful for me.  No thank you!  Even with medicated IUI - I don't really want twins, and our odds go way up.

Interestingly, I asked a lot of progesterone questions - essentially, I want him to monitor me on several days past ovulation, and supplement with progesterone if need be.  He's totally against it.  He says my day 22 (about 7 dpo) progesterone level was 30.9, which is fine.  I have a memory of being told my progesterone was "low", but maybe that was from my first RE?  He said supplementing progesterone is very 10-years-ago.  If you don't fix the follicular phase, the supplementing just in the luteal isn't going to work.  But I'm not sure I agree with him - everything I've read + Dr Nora + all you lovely Catholic ladies love your progesterone.... I see this as maybe being a sore spot.  We'll see.  If my 7 dpo is really a perfect value, is that enough testing to say it is ok?  Should I try to impo.rt ille.gal prog.esterone?  (this might be a wee bit too extreme for now!)

So Monday (it will be CD10) I'll go in for my first wanding/blood work.  Good, at least I'll be doing something!  And in the meantime, I will try to relax and grow follicles.

#1 Matchy-Matchy

Today is CD29-potentially-CD1.

I am down in my hometown for that big family wedding.  Yesterday was a LOT of laughs!  We went out searching for nail polish and lipstick that were a perfect colour match to my dress (see below).  Which in itself is pretty hilarious - and I haven't had nail polish on for YEARS.  It's just not my thing.  But I decided to get super girly this weekend.  And I somehow convinced half of my female relatives to also put this shade of nail polish on so we'd be matchy-matchy.  And my Mom put clear coats on everyone (female) else.  Very fun - my #1 cousin and I will have matching nail polish - how cute!  (She and I look the most alike, which I love to hear people say, because she is so pretty!  If another cousin would be in town though, then I am third in the look-alike contest.  #1 and I agreed when we were teenagers that we were each others #1 cousins [since I have like 17 cousins, one has to have some order, right?  ahah!], so we refer to each other as #1)

Here is my dress - I am pretty stoked about it!  This suits my body quite well, because I have a grande bum region - but I magically fit into a size 0 in this dress!  What?!?  Hahhaah.  I am like a 6/8 normally.

It was only IF-stressful at one point, when suddenly we were the center of attention - "when are you two going to have a baby?" - I gave my usual "You'll be the first to know!", which then (thankfully) quickly degenerates into "hey!  I want to be the first to know" comments.

I did POAS this morning - I have been spotting for two days now, but AF should be here by now, but she's not quite - this will be my third day of spotting, so I thought... well, better safe than sorry, since if I'm not pg, I will drink tonight at the wedding.  But no - one line.

Bottom's up!