My Mom called me this afternoon. Which is weird (she doesn't normally call when I'm at work) - I was worried there was a death in the family. But she just was having trouble with her phones, she needed some tech advice. Fine, no prob. But then she's all - When you don't call for a few weeks, I get worried about you, are you mad at me? So I give my standard reply - if you are worried about me, why don't you just call me? And then she's all - I want my daughter to be worried about me and miss me and want to talk.
This is sort of heavy stuff for mid-afternoon at work conversation. Because I am not worried about her and I don't miss her. I call her out of a sense of duty, not because I miss her. And it hasn't occurred to me to worry about her (I'm not into worrying about things that don't need worrying about). She's fine.
I just don't have that great a relationship with my Mom. I worry - how will I be able to have a good relationship with my supposed future daughters if I can't have one with my own Mom? In general, while my Mom wasn't terrible (its not like she was a drug addict or hit me), I don't think she was that good. I have a lot of resentment. We're just not going to see eye to eye on this. Of course I don't miss her - when I do call she just talks about herself.
I mean, she's not a terrible ogre - she's just made some big life decisions that benefited her alone. And she's not empathetic at all. And she's crazy. No WAY can I tell her about IF - the whole world would know about it, and it would be trivialised.
Will I be cursed with a daughter that only remembers the bad things? Bah. I have a pretty good relationship with my Dad - we fight occasionally, but we make up. And I do call him every few days. So I'm not a terrible child. I just don't like my Mother. Sigh. I am much closer with one of my Aunts than my Mom - she's sort of a stand-in Mom.
I don't have any grand conclusions, I am just sort of... I don't know, I was thrown off this afternoon at work by all this.
I SOOOOO get this post! My mother, however, can be very manipulative and just not very supportive. On top of that she's also a compulsive liar.
ReplyDeleteI worry that I my relationship with my crazy mother is going to taint my relationship with my future daughters. Then again, I've gone through therapy and I know what NOT to do when parenting.
We'll have to commiserate about this over a glass of kombucha. ;)
Patterns can repeat themselves, sure, but only if you don't learn from the past. Are you planning on making decisions that only benefit you? I don't think so. Are you going to only talk about yourself to your kid(s)? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteMy dad wasn't around very much when I was a kid. He wasn't all that loving. But my older brother is the best dad in the like whole entire world. ... okay. maybe not the whole entire world. But he is home every night. And plays with his kids. When he takes them to the park, he runs around with them and doesn't just stand at the side. He does homework with them. And tells them all of the time how much he loves them and how special they are. My dad didn't do those things. My brother does.
You will be a different type of mother than your mom was because you are a very different person. You are going to be a great mom.
I agree with Feather. Sometimes when you have one thing you didn't like growing up, you make sure you do the opposite with your own kids. I have experienced that as a stepmom. You'll be fine. And I'm sorry to hear things haven't been great between you and your mom. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
I can relate! I do have a better relationship now with my mom, but I had a lot of issues with her. Well, I still have issues with her because of how she treated me and how she STILL treats me. That sucks that she laid that on you at work.
ReplyDeleteI think you'll be a great mom! I know I strive to be nothing like my parents, and I'm definitely not following any patterns they set. You'll do great, I know it :-)
Hugs!