Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Romance of the Falls


I just hate this time of of the cycle, you know?  The "is that a pg symptom"?  Nah..... x all day long.

It is kind of a bummer.  I've been sort of bummed lately - yesterday for sure, but sort of low-level bummed for a while now....we've switched our language when talking about the future to "if we have kids yet" or "depending on kids", to just saying nothing at all.

Well, I did have a REALLY nice weekend.  We met up with 'ideal couple friends' in Niagra Falls, she and I went to the spa for a 3 hours of treatments, and the boys played golf.  Very fun! (Actually, she and I fit in a quick one stop wine tasting first - yum!).  Then we had a fancy dinner out, again, very fun!

And Sunday was good too - DH had a canoe race back in the City, so we raced back Sunday morning and I hung out at his sailing and canoe club while he was out racing.  To pass the time, and because I don't get down to the lakeshore all that often, I actually went out for a run!  It was slow and there was lots of walking, but still - I was proud of myself.  :)  Then I hung out with some of the women who had already raced (women went earlier in the morning, then the guys were out in the afternoon).  So that was nice - it was nice to just hang out by the water.  And something about the day - I don't know if it was the "romance of the falls" or not, but DH and I were just extra super nice to each other all day.  :)

Then the boys came back (2.5hr race! my DH is so in shape! yay!), we had a bbq and I had a glass of wine... lovely afternoon!  :)

Friday was our team event, we went to a Ping Pong bar downtown - that was loads of fun.  My old boss came - only a week until she's back, ladies!  AUGH.  It was ok, and for the first 5 min I was like, "ah, I missed her!", but then there were a few warning bells that went off.... :(
I am dreading her return still.... maybe this is part of my bummed-out mood lately.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Club 9%


So I am humming along, devouring 'The Garden of Fertility' - really interesting book!  I am pretty sure it is very close to NaPro, but since my intro session isn't for another few weeks, I'm getting a preview.

So here I am, finding it all intensely interesting, and then she drops this statistic like a bomb "Even couples in their late thirties have a 91% chance of becoming pregnant naturally within two years."

Wah wah.
Call the Unfair Police!

If someone told you that you were 91% likely to win the lottery within two years, would you buy a ticket?!  Hells yeah!

Man, this was a real mood killer.  I have a team event this afternoon that promises to be lots of fun, and tomorrow we're out with our ideal friends - the boys are golfing, and the ladies are going to have a spa day (in wine country no less) - FUN!  All this had me very excited this morning.... then I read that pooper statistic up there....

Maybe it is incorrect!
I don't want to be part of that 9%!

Lord knows, I don't want to see that statistic for 3 years (which comes up for us in two months!)

Welcome to Club 9%............

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Token Kid


So I was out with a family friend on the weekend, and he made some very interesting comments.  This gentleman has been best friends with one of my Uncles since they were kids, until that Uncle died a few years ago.  I view him kind of like an Uncle I have here in the City (I have another Uncle just outside of the City, but we don't talk as often) - we go for coffee/breakfast every few weeks, and have long talks.  He also really helped me get set up when I first came to the City ~6 years ago.

Anyhoo, I made some comment about my Boss being back in < 2 weeks from her maternity leave, and how rumour has it they have a live-in Nanny (no judging, this is just a fact).  So he says, "Oh, so they just wanted to have a kid, but not raise it.  A token kid.  Just to prove they could have one.", and he laughs.

You could have knocked me over with a feather!  (I am 99% sure they had IVF, and they had twins not a singleton, so it's not like having these kids was easy for them - she also had endo).

But what a succinct way to say it!  I agree.  I also know that everyone's circumstances are different, and I'm not judging, sometimes to keep the standard of living you agreed to you need to work, or to keep any type of living at all you need to work.

And also some people love their jobs.  Me, not so much.  At best I tolerate mine.  So for me the decision to leave it or go part time should be relatively easy, but for others not so much.  I can get that. 

And also chasing after a one year old (the age at which you'd be leaving them) is HARD - people often say work is easier.  And never having actually spent my days running around after a one year old, who knows - maybe I would gratefully return to work.

And also if I don't work, our supposed future kids won't be able to do expensive things like play hockey or go to summer camp, and maybe I would decide those things are important, when all their little rich friends have such things (we live in a ritzy school neighbourhood, but a really dumpy house).

Or maybe DH would stay at home, because I bring in more of the Benjamins.  That still counts, since one of us is raising this supposed future child, doesn't have to be me.

Or even maybe return to work full time in between kids (assuming you could get #2 without too much trouble) so that I get another mat leave, and then quit.

All possible.  But it was very interesting to me that this ~55 year old man with no children came up with such a simple way to say it.  DH's Grandma has also said something similar to me, "Raise your own children", but Uncle's statement above is even more robust.  The part about "just to show you can" really resonates with me - because I can't.  It is like they are showing off.  (Not really, I know they love their kids, she just I think also loves work and fancy things).

I'm not putting the hate on, if you're back at work after having kids, that's ok!  Everyone makes the decisions that are right for their family, it's cool.  This one just really resonated with me.  I think more people pausing to do things intentionally (weighing pros and cons, say) without automatically doing what is the social norm is a good thing, and if this post has made you pause and think for just a second, that is good.  I do not mean to add to any guilt or put guilt where none should be. 

Peace out.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Gluten, gluten, gluten...........


Gluten, gluten, gluten........... we used to be friends.  Why can't we get along any more?!?

Friday night I had a beer, AND I ate a slice of homemade pie at a dinner party we went to.  Saturday?  No problems, everything was fine.

Then, emboldened, Saturday night I had another beer, and also a gluten-free pizza.

I don't know if it was that Saturday night beer or the pizza wasn't really gluten-free, but MAN oh MAN - Sunday was unpleasant.

I'm leaning towards "the pizza wasn't really gluten free" - I've had a beer before, usually I just had some pain the next day.  But [TMI] Sunday I was running to the toilet all the time!  I was popping pepto like it was going out of style.  Yeesh.

I think I will work from home today - it's not quite over yet....

As a side note - the boobies are sore early this month!  What the hay!  They started getting sore like CD14...usually it is more around CD18......

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Fertility and Night-Lighting?


I stumbled across this article (scroll down towards the bottom) today about fertility and sleeping in the dark.  Interesting, non?

An excerpt:
Other clinical researchers have also found that sleeping in the absence of light (introducing it for a few days each cycle, or sleeping only in the absence of light) can help women in a variety of situations to strengthen their cycles.6,7
  • Women with anovulatory cycles have become ovulatory.
  • Women with unclear mucus readings develop discernible, healthy mucus build-up.
  • Cycles that had been very short (26 days or less) or very long (35 days or more) become 27-31 days long.
  • FSH levels become healthy.
  • Spotting at various times during the cycle is significantly reduced.
  • Progesterone levels are strengthened.
  • Women with a history of miscarriage are able to sustain pregnancy.
  • Premenopausal women develop a more discernible mucus pattern; and the intensity of their premenopausal symptoms, including hot flashes, sleeplessness, and mood changes are reduced.
So what does sleeping in total darkness mean? Fifteen minutes after turning out the lights, you can't see objects in the room, including your own hands.

Well, heck, why not give it a shot?  I've certainly done everything else!  And I like sleeping in the dark - unfortunately there is a street light outside our bedroom window, so it is pretty light in there all night, even though we have light-blocking curtains (light gets in at the top).  I spoke to DH, he's going to do something about it.  Full dark, except for around ovulation?

There are very few times in life I've slept in full dark, but I generally find it very restful.  I have a lot of trouble sleeping in the light - in the morning when it is bright out so early (due to it being summer), I have tons of trouble going back to sleep if I open my eyes.  On the flip side, I can barely crawl out of bed in the winter - I'm totally tied to light.  So this maybe will help!  :)

Another article

So here's the question - keep with your current cycle and use full dark/3 days of light to enhance it, or gradually change your cycle to actually match the moon?  (Full moon is not until Aug 1st, so you can see I'm pretty far off)

The Inteweb doesn't have a ton of chatter about this, specifically HOW TO.  Maybe I ought to get that lady's book.  (Update:  Just put it on hold at the library, cuz that's how I roll)

Has anyone else heard of this?  Tried it?  Who's with me in trying it?!?  :)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Back to civillisation!


Hello!  I am back, and slowly catching up on blogs!

The trip was very fun.  The hiking was harder than I thought it would be - hills + heavy pack = hard.  Even though it was a bit hard, it was still really fun.  Nice hanging out with Feather (who is a mega-trooper, and is super in shape!), lovely time swimming every day in the warm lakes.  :)

I had a total low blood sugar moment on day 3 of the trip.  Bad news.  Feather and DH offered to take some of the weight from my pack, which I am super grateful for.  It was sucky - I am not so hardy.  I came out of it within the hour, but that was a low point, a very tough time.  Mentally I was thinking "something is wrong with me, why do I feel like this?", and I actually cried on DH's shoulder for a minute (while thinking "This is so embarrassing.  Why am I crying?") .  Bah.

I thought of course about IF/adoption a lot during the hiking parts, and I didn't come to any grand conclusions - but here I am, ready to take the plunge.  So even though I didn't have any epiphanies, I think all the hiking allowed me to de-stress and come to a conclusion.

Conclusion:  Time for Napro.  I booked the intro session.  It may not sound like a big deal to you dear reader, but I've been putting this off for at least a year.  Dealing with all the extra administrative issues surrounding Napro sounds really hard to me.... but I've got to face facts, it is probably worth it.  Reading that study about IUI+Clomid being as effective as doing nothing really sealed the deal.  WTIF!

Who knows, maybe I'll have a change of heart in the next month or two and squeeze another IUI in before I actually get to see Dr Napro.  But for now I am ENJOYING being on another off cycle.  Sure, I am tracking CM, but it is nice not to have swollen ovaries!  And no wanding!  And if I want to go out for a beer with my colleagues, I will.  No big deal.

Here is my wish list from Napro - I wonder how much of this is outrageous, and how much will come true?
  • Better CM
  • No more TEBB
  • No more boob pain
  • Regular luteal phase lengths
  • No more early spotting (FEBB?)
  • No PMS
  • No menstrual pain 
  • No more swollen lymph node as AF is due
  • Maybe better blood sugar control?
  • ahem....baby!
I am started to get quite worried about my #1 cousin, she is going through a period of depression right now.  Please throw some prayers her way if you have any extra!  :)

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Happy Trails!


I'm off for a 4 day backpacking trip - SO looking forward to it!
I've been super stressed the last two days - I don't know what it is, upcoming camping trip, or potentially embarking on yet another stage in the IF journey.  Yikes!

I am really looking forward to our days of hiking (we are doing a loop).  Instead of always doing two things at once, I will just be doing one - walking.  Hopefully will allow my brain to chillax a bit!

See you soon, Feather!  :) 
See you ladies when I'm back, if I don't get eaten by bears.  :)

Saturday, July 7, 2012

IUI + Clomid - as effective as natural conception?!?!


So... this article sort of pisses me off.

What the frig?

My favourite line, "The treatments have both been offered for many years because "doing nothing" is an unpopular choice among patients, the researchers said."

Next favourite line, "But the researchers were quick to point out that it is a very useful treatment for women who have problems with ovulation."
I ovulate every month.
My problems are mysterious once again.
And sucky.

I've been spotting since late at night on CD25.  This is lame.  I was hoping my spotting was fixed.  I barely had any last cycle.  Does this mean I am doing something wrong with eating?  Too much cheese last weekend?  Too much meat?

My spotting has practically stopped this afternoon.  Great, you're thinking - maybe implantation bleeding?  But BFN says otherwise.  And it is CD27, there should be some sort of faint line by now if one was coming - uh, right?

So...what the hay?  Do I go for IUI again?  100mg Clomid is quite painful for me - if it is all for nothing....ugh, and all the wanding and bloodwork.....

Maybe it is time for Napro.  Probably it has been time for a long time.  But another doctor, and more rounds of tests and complicatedness... I just haven't been up for it.

Well - and DH and I just got into a big fight about it.  Not motivational.

GF Chocolate Zucchini Bread Recipe!

This was the YUMMIEST thing, ever.  It is not only gluten-free, it is grain-free.  Love it!  Every time I ate a delicious slice of 'bread' (it is really like a cake, just like banana bread), I would think "Well, I'm just eating my zucchini, a girl's got to eat her vegetables!"

I took much inspiration from the recipe here, I gave it a few tweaks to suit my groceries at hand.

Here is how I did it:
  • "1 cup" Zucchini (really I just threw my first zucchini from the garden in, however much that was)
  • 2 ripe bananas (I think this could be 1 and still be ok)
  • 4 eggs (protein, anyone?  oh yeah!)
  • 1T molasses  (could be omitted - bananas are sweet enough)
  • 1t vanilla
  • 1/4cup peanut butter
  • 1/2cup almonds
  • 1t baking soda
  • 1/2t baking powder
  • 1/2t sea salt
  • 1t cinnamon
  • ~1/2cup carob (I just dumped a load in.  I've learned to love carob.  You can use cocoa, but I don't like the caffeine - and carob cooks up surprisingly well)
First make the almonds into almond flour in your machine of choice (I use a food processor).  Or, you can buy almond flour if that's how you roll.  Remove the almond flour to your 'dry' bowl.

Now mix all the wet in your food processor.  This includes banana and zucchini.

Mix your dry together.  Then add wet.  Mix.

Put in loaf pan, bake 30-60 min at 350'F.  It is supposed to be 30min, but I think due to me adding a wee bit extra zucchini, I had to bake it for ~50 min.  Who cares, it was moist and delicious and wonderful.  Mmm.

I swear, you can bring this to a pot-luck/your in-laws, and they won't even know it is gluten/grain/dairy free and endometriosis diet approved!

Thursday, July 5, 2012


~10 DPO

AF will be here shortly.  My temperature was down this morning.  I've been tracking BBT for the last cycle or two, because I have an app on my phone and graphs are pretty.  But a temp drop is a sure sign of progesterone drop, meaning AF should come tomorrow.  :(  At least I know to expect her, so every trip to the bathroom isn't fraught with anxiety.

Hopefully she won't slay me. (physically - mentally she usually does)

I don't know, I've been really glum the last few days.  I don't know if my head is in the game for IUI#4.  We'll see.

My friend being accidentally pg was a real (unexpected) blow.  It is essentially like they are moving - except I will get invited to her baby shower <roll of eyes>.  I used to call them up to go out for a movie/dinner/drink/brunch.... but now I will not.  All conversation (or most of it) will necessarily be about baby now, I'm just not up for it. 

And really - guys aren't so good at keeping in touch.  And now I won't call him.  So pretty much this wedding I see them at on the weekend might be the last time I see them in years.  A real bummer.  Just another set of friends to join the baby club that I can't seem to join. <insert sad music>

I seem to spend a lot of time wondering what the heck I'm doing with this life.  My fancy job is about to get a WHOLE lot more stressful.  It only goes up from here.  I can maybe squeeze one last cycle before my old boss comes back.  And even if she's magically had a personality transplant to cool and calm, work switches into high gear for everyone about mid August and doesn't slow down until December.  So there is NO way to be less stressed than I am now.  Now I am not that stressed - but it can only go up, there will be no way for me to be less stressed.  (Also, looking at all the things I have to do in that time, I'm not sure how I could do them all - and I'm not working late too often, it is too stressful/don't like it, so.....?  Conflict coming....)

I was really hoping to be pg before she got back, so I could focus on le baby instead of all the drama I am pretty sure is coming.  But this seems doubtful.  My "two years and retire" plan had me jazzed for a while, but... those are two years of declining fertility!  AUGH.  (And really it is more like 5 years)

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Another Accident [warning! there is sulking!]

~8 DPO

Well...lots of news tonight!  A friend is having a last minute wedding on the weekend - great news!  He has been with his gf for 9  years, so this isn't huge news.  I always sort of thought they'd do something last minute.  I am quite looking forward to seeing them.  But he mentioned another mutual friend, that I should call him and find out his news.

So I call up my friend, we'll call Rudolpho, and he has proposed to his gf!  This is much more surprising - not that they would get married, but that they would get engaged now (I would expect next year, maybe, they've been dating maybe a year or a year and a half).  She is a lovely girl, really sweet, a huge improvement over his previous gfs.  But he has other news - they are expecting.  Wah wah.

My little IF heart dropped.  I am happy for them.  Really.  He's happy with her, and has always wanted kids, so it is great they get to start now.  But.....ai yi yi.  How do accidents happen in this day and age exactly?  We're not exactly teenagers here.

Are we the only people that know about CM???

I had some cramping today.  AF is coming.  I also had a crying episode last night (brought on by a sad point in a movie).  Maybe AF will be visiting when we go to this wedding and get to re-congratulate the Accidentals.  Then I can start IUI#4.  Awesome.

I clearly deserve some GF cookies but I can't find my wallet right now, so have no $$$ to go to the store!  (Think it is accidentally in DH's bag).

I probably will go read about teenage vampires to cheer me up... but even they get pg in the end... (sigh)...

Monday, July 2, 2012

Happy Canada Day!

Maybe 7DPO

Well...the boobies are outrageously sore, as per usual.  And I'm outrageously tired (but maybe that's the sun, and we've had very full days this long weekend).  It seemed I had to pee a lot yesterday, so my IF brain starts to thinking.... so at today's romantic wine and cheese picnic with DH, we substituted fizzy water for wine, just in case.

But I already know how this act ends.  Any sort of faux-symptoms will disappear in a day or two, and AF will visit.   And we'll be on to IUI #4.  There is some slight complication as we have a four day camping trip planned, but it is all about when AF comes to see if that is going to cause trouble or not.  Slight chance we'll put off IUI#4 until next cycle.  Since AF has been 25-36 days in the last few cycles, I have no idea when she'll arrive.

In brighter news, I had an adoption dream yesterday.  In the end, I was matched with a little boy!  I still feel all maternalistic to this little dream boy.  I was kind of thinking a lot about adoption that night.  What would your facebook status be "We welcome little <child> to the family!  Yes, that's right - we've been incredibly infertile this whole time!  Fooled ya!"?  Not smooth.  So I suppose we'll have to start putting it 'out there' with the friends and fam that we're on the adoption path.  After PRIDE training and we have more of a feel for what's what.

We've had a lovely Canada Day long weekend!  :)  From merry go round riding to nerf tennis to meeting lots of new people to to fireworks copious amount of goat cheese, it was lovely.  :)
(And I ran into a girl from Church I really like a the park today!  Fun!  And here I was thinking I'd picked a rather secluded park!)
But ohmygosh tired now.  I had a bit of a meltdown on the way home, I was the world's slowest walker.  I blame the cheese.  ;)

Appleseed grows

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