Thursday, December 30, 2010

Day 22 Bleeding

So, I fear I am having another month of false preggo symptoms, which gets me soooo hopeful, then I will end up sooo sad.

Last month, it was sore boobs.  Oh MAN were my boobs sore.  I googled 'sore boobs' in like five million ways, and was pretty convinced that this was it.  Well, until they got less-sore towards my period.  That was sort of disheartening.

I now think the chinese herbs are making my boobs sore.  Because again this month they are sore, but I'm ready for them!  I didn't even google 'sore boobs' once - now I know it is just the herbs.  They are again not as sore as they were around ovulation now, the soreness is waning.

But then this morning - hoo ha.  Some blood greeted me.  Not one drop, several.  And not brown like implantation bleeding is supposed to be, but bright red.  No stomach cramps or blood clots.   Well, one thing is for sure, it can't be my normal period, which does not start at this time or in this manner.

(We did manage to sneak in some sexy time at Christmas, but it wasn't easy!)

TMI Update:
I just checked in the shower, the blood is definately from the vajayjay, not from any other orifice.  I cried!  Is this it????

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Even better than figgy pudding - Merry Christmas everyone!

We wish you a fertile Christmas
We wish you a fertile Christmas
We wish you a fertile Christmas
We wish you a fertile Christmas, and a BFP year!
Good tidings to you, to you and your DH
Good tidings for Christmas and a BFP year!

Oh bring us some Acupuncture
Oh bring us some Acupuncture
Oh bring us some Acupuncture, and a cup of good herbs!

We won't go until we BFP
We won't go until we BFP
We won't go until we BFP, we'll be supportive!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve Meltdown

So within 5 minutes of walking into my parents tonight, I was crying in the bathroom!
Aish!  This is not Christmas-y!

It turns out my single step-sister will be getting the only spare bedroom (nice and private and away from every one), while my DH and I are in the living room!  Bah!  I was sort of upset, because we just get the shaft because we won't make a big scene and she will, but then I realized - this is another month gone!

Days 14 and 15 this month will be spent in the living room, right next to my parent's room.  No baby making for us!  :(  And day 13 was spent on the couch at my Aunt's in her living room.  So our odds are most likely not good, one would think.  Gee, good thing I'm paying for acupuncture for months when we don't even try to make the baby at the right time....

So I cried in the shower and I cried in the car on the way to church, and had to hold back tears several times during the Christmas Eve service (and I was in the choir, and thus facing the congregation).  Boo.  But I decided we should tell my Dad (about IF, not about ovulation), because really it was over reacting just because we didn't get the bedroom.  And the thought of telling him make me almost cry several times at church!  yikes.

My DH told him quietly in the car, and to his credit, my Dad said the nicest thing - "Wow.  That's maybe the hardest thing."  We didn't have time to talk very much, which is probably good, because I was all weepy, and I'm not usually the weepy sort (I know you won't believe it, but it's true!).  He's going to tell my step mom tonight...we'll see how that goes.  I'm hoping she won't mention it... she'll be full of suggestions and things....

I haven't cried at all during the last two weeks, I thought I was dealing with things well, but NOPE. 

Coventry Carol

Well, it is Christmas Eve, and I know us IFs tend to be pretty bummed out at Christmastime.  This is our first IF Christmas - last year we were still trying and hopeful that conception would be just around the corner.  Being our first IF Christmas, not our second, I think it making it much easier for us than some others.

So, to focus on people that had it worse than us, I bring you the Coventry Carol.   Now I remember in Sunday School when I was little, you hear about Herod slaughtering all the babies in Bethlehem, and I thought to myself, "Ho Ha!  They were too clever for him!  He didn't get the baby Jesus!", but now that I am a little older, I can think more about those Mothers that lost babies in this Massacre of the Innocents.

Which is worse than not ever having one of your own, I think.

So, if you're feeling gloomy, take a listen.  It always makes my eyes leak a little.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Big K and Little-stolen-name

So I have a friend in town next week, we'll call him big K, and we are planning to get together.

Big K is sort of a partier, so I am picturing going boozing, or at least playing lots of board games.  But out of the blue, big K suggests we go visit little-stolen-name of last week's fame!

So here is the thing - I have like zero interest in seeing little-stolen-name.  I mean, I used to be all over going to visit little babies, but I'm just not that interested any more.  It is like I am turning off that tap.

I'm not upset or resentful (I think?) - I am just not interested.  I've sort of shifted from being super upset about babies, to wanting to enjoy the time before DH and I have our baby - God willing.  It is either that or mope around - and I've done my fair share of that.

When I hear new parents say "Oh, Wow, I wish we could go out to a movie like you guys!" (this happened several times on Saturday), I want to roll my eyes and say we'd gladly switch places - but then I also think - maybe we should enjoy this time before we get our bundle of joy?

I'm also slightly worried the tap won't turn back on - what if I stay disinterested?  Augh!

[Oh, the good news this week is that Dr. Tanya thinks my tongue is looking good.  She thinks the updated herb formula for this month is working!]

Friday, December 17, 2010

Two new baby boys in the world...

My cousin just had his baby, and our close friends just had their baby in the last two days!

Yikes.  Our friends also (unwittingly) stole our name.  We've now lost both our #1 boy and #1 girl's names, because we can't get on board!  Blah.

I am happy-ish for them all, I don't feel too sad at the moment, so that is good.  I also suspect maybe our friends had some trouble TTC, and they look SO happy in their pics, maybe they earned it, so I am more happy for them.  So it goes.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

"I don't like those night sweats!"

Dr Tanya (my TCM/Acupuncturist) isn't liking the fact that about three times a month I am still having night sweats.  Hopefully this month's herbs will help with that!  :)

Anyone else having night sweats now and then?  I think I will do a little more research on this if I have time today.

Re: Oysters
We were planning on eating them raw, with a little horseradish and lemon.  I know, no raw foods, right?  But I don't actually like cooked oysters.  And Dr Tanya said it is ok to cheat now and then on the hot/cold food thing.
We were planning on buying them at Sobey's (be forewarned - they come only in a box of 30, so you are REALLY going to be eating oysters!), but you can also buy them at Loblaw's one at a time.  It is more expensive to buy them one at a time, but then you're not stuck with 30 oysters at once.  Also many fish mongers carry them!  Oh, and you'll need an oyster shucking knife, and perhaps to watch a utube vid on how to shuck oysters?
Or you can buy them in the can, if you're not ready to shuck yet!  (My DH is good at shucking, so this task will fall to him on Friday, our re-planned OysterFest night.).  Sobey's only had some really old oysters left on Tues, so we're going back Friday to buy some fresher ones.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Oyster Fest!

Tonight we're planning on mowing down on some serious Oysters at the CS household!  Yum!

Potentially good for male fertility, and yummy!  We bought an oyster shucking knife a while back to save a few dollars, since Oysters out at the bar was adding up fast.

My DH's sperm count is good, but the morphology was not fantastic, so.... well, it can't hurt!  We'll have some next week too. (We just realized you can buy them on the cheap at Sobey's).  AND all that boozing depletes zinc, and oysters have hella zinc.  :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wine Whine

So here I am the day after the big work Christmas party....  too much wine last night.  Ooops.  Have I just ruined something related to fertility??   Slightly hung over today.  

My TCM/Acupuncturist says a glass of wine now and then is ok, but I have read in some other fertility books that alcohol is a no-no..... I'm glad to see I'm not the only one that doesn't have a clear answer on this.

The morning after I tend to think it was a bad idea to drink, but the night of I tend to think it's no big deal!  Hah!

Well, maybe I will say no more wine until the next time Aunt Flo comes to visit.  And then I will treat myself to a very fancy glass, but not have 4 like I did last night.

A weird thing - my temp is STILL high.  It normally drops by now.  Odd.  It of course runs through my head that maybe I'm one of those urban myth women that has her period and yet is pregnant, but let's face it, that doesn't make sense, this wasn't 'light spotting', it was full on period.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

All I wanted for Christmas

Last night was the Christmas party with my IF friends.  SO fun.  I really have to say, I don't think I'd be where I am now without them.  I have come to see IF as a problem that some people have that has to be dealt with, not as a shameful curse that only I have.

When I met them all last month, I really did approach the meeting like, "What do other IF people look like?" because I had honestly never met people that were struggling to make a baby.  Back in the day, I thought of people that couldn't conceive as super unhealthy, and it was probably their own fault they couldn't make a baby.  Hahahh - ah, misconceptions.

If you are a random reading this, I really do urge you to get out and meet other ladies in your situation.  My IF friends are really wonderful and supportive, and it is the only place where this aspect of my life can be freely talked about.   It does wonders for your mental state.  And believe it or not, when one of those ladies turns preggo, you will be so happy for them - they really earned that baby!  It gives hope for us too.

(As opposed to the 'oh, ha, we just went of birth control for one month and here we are, lol' preggos, which I piss me off.)

We also had a gift-exchange, and I got the perfect gift for me - organic preserves.  I will eat them with my full-fat goat yoghurt.  Yum!

Tonight is my work Christmas party, and this I am also looking forward to.  Since Aunt Flo is here, I am going to booze it at the work party and have fun.   Whether or not to have a glass of wine now and then is a big question for me, since it is not obvious if that really does affect our fertility or not.

Welcome to IF me!

Welcome to my new IF blog.   Here I hope to blog my struggles that we're having with fertility.  I debated whether or not to start a blog, and finally decided - YES.  There are just days when I want to be able to tell people who understand - "I'm having SUCH a bad day".  The tricky part is that most people in your regular life just don't quite get it, unless you are trying so hard to have a child and you can't, the pain doesn't resonate.  This is completely understandable, everyone is at different points in their lives and everyone has different challenges, but this is where we are.

Oh.  And I tell very very few people in the 'real world' what is going on, so how could they help?  When asked when we're finally going to have a baby, I usually casually say "Oh, you know, maybe next year." and wave vaguely.  Also  I sometimes mumble something about renovations.  Total lies, we'd be ecstatic to have a baby any time one wanders our way.

I also hate the term "Infertility", so I much prefer to shorten it to IF.  I prefer to speak in terms of "fertility" instead of that other word.  And I like the possibilities that "IF" implies - "if I only eat x and do y, we'll be parents soon!".  Surprisingly, I also like the term "barren", since it is so old it sort of makes me giggle.  It brings to mind windswept deserts and the like.  But I don't think I'm barren, or if I am this has yet to be revealed.

Appleseed grows

Lilypie Maternity tickers