Monday, February 27, 2012

Surgery has been announced

So I told my boss today that I was having surgery.  There was barely any reaction from him - he was kinda like, "You gotta do what you gotta do".

I was sort of worried about telling him.  I was worried he'd sk a lot of questions, and I would have to talk about lady parts.  But so far so good.  Now I will have to say something to my lunch frolleagues at some point - which I am not looking forward to. 

I realised I only have 3 weeks before my surgery - yikes!  I am slightly anxious about it - I am going to try and turn all that anxiousness into prayers for my buddy.  :)

Friday, February 24, 2012

Pre Op appt

Well, I had my pre-op appt today.  I'm not certainly not 100% convinced that endo is the root of our problem, but it is for sure worth checking out.  We're back into unexplained IF territory again, I no likely.

Dr Love is going to also look at my uterus and check my tubes while he's all up in my business.  My tubes are supposed to be clear and uterus is supposed to be ok, but it never hurts to check again, IMHO.  He said he would take a sample to check for any infection, which I think is really good.

I guess I was a bit surprised about they day before surgery.  The entire day is scripted from 8am onwards - various medications at various times, clear fluids only.  No going to work.  So that means I will be out of work almost 3 weeks - ai ya.  He said I would be off two weeks, but then he said I would be back the next Monday.  Which means almost 3 weeks, given that I am also off the Tuesday before the Wednesday surgery.  Yowzas.  I am guessing I will be on short term disability, but I will talk to my boss next week.  Um, 2012 will be the year I barely work, I guess.  Have I mentioned I also have 7 wks vacation this year?

Overall, Dr Love was quite pleasant this time.  His secretary was a bit stern ("No red jello the day before, do you understand?  That means no purple jello either!  (But yellow jello is ok)")

And now....we wait.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Bits and Bobs

Our vacation to our IF relatives was fun.  We didn't have a big long emotional conversation about IF or anything, but it was always there as an undercurrent.  They are going back to Taiwan to try IVF #2 at the end of March.

One thing I found really dissapointing was their nutrition.  DH said his cousin ate really poorly while she was in University - I think like instant noodles every night type of thing.  Could this have contributed to her tubes being blocked?  I would never say such a thing though.

On the way home (we drove) we stopped at a Per.kins and Cr.acker Barr.el.  I mean - this is fun sometimes food.  Cr.acker Ba.rrel is espeically fun for us since we just don't have that type of food here.  And I know it is mostly older people that frequent these restaurants - but - everyone just looked so unhealthy and doughy.  It was pretty sad.

And we ate ridiculously on the trip, since we were on vacation.  There was a day were our only vegetables were a bit of lettuce and tomato on a fat sandwich.  Yikes.

Which brings me to - man, I got sick.  Sunday night the fever/chills came on.  The day long drive home I was in the back of the car being uncomfortable.  But yesterday - woah, yesterday was rough.  I am the type that had a lot of body pain with a fever.  It hurt to move, so I spent yesterday lying in one spot as much as possible.  Thankfully, I think I sweat it out last night.  Today I am just a normal sort of sick.

I looked up my lenten prayer buddy today - she is me, but 1 year ago.  Sort of breaks the heart.  I hope she doesn't have to go through another year of this!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A rough couple of days...

When people casually ask, "Hey, how's it goin'?" I say "Ok" automatically and then think 'That was a LIE'.  I feel like I've been having a rough couple of days.  There was much crying an knashing of teeth and AF came on Tuesday.  I actuually left work early, I was just too weepy.

And I worked from home on Wednesday.  DH and I had a big crying fight Wednesday morning - I think really due to the fact we both felt so sad and helpless.

It has really hit me - I am pretty sure we're going to see our third IF-iversary.  This is something I really have not wanted to see.  But it is looking pretty darn likely.  I had almost convinced myself it was my cervix we were needing to just 'junp'.  But I suppose not.  Next on the docket - endo.  We'll see... after that?  Dunno.  Adoption.  IVF?  Ai ya.

DH and I talked more about adoption.  We're even talking about forgetting about waiting for the April info session, to get on the list for a home study sooner rather than later.  Right now we are thinking private adoption isn't the way to go - frankly, we're too old, and I don't think I could take the heartbreak if the birth parents changed their minds.  And it seems... I don't know, CAS kids are free.  They arn't babies and they will not be perfect, but... I do like the concept.

My Dad said nice adoption things on the phone tonight, and it does really make me feel better to hear that.  Even though he said it before, it was very soothing.

But this all weighs sort of heavily on me now.  We are about to go on a little mini vacation with family - at least we're visiting his IF cousin.  :)  I think I may boycott fertiles and their offspring for a while.  I just can't do it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And then everything went pear shaped.

So, looks like AF is here.
I am really bummed.  And crampy (short painful cramps - WTIF!) and a bit dizzy.  Bah.

While I will probably go Google things about getting your AF while pg, it is safe to say this was a failed cycle.  Poo.

I think I sort of knew this morning.  I had a really hard time forcing myself to go to work.  I left early this afternoon.  I just can't make myself care about work at times like this.  I WANT A BABY.  :(  (Plus, I had to leave and go cry, which I did in the car on the way home with poor DH on the phone)

I had a sort-of adoption dream last night.  They were handing out babies and my fertile friend got one.  I was angry, I was like that is NOT FAIR, she already has two kids and she got them easily.  But then they gave me one and I was so happy and loved it.  We are planning on going to an aoption info session in April.  Maybe the dream is a sign?  April...its so far away..... (sigh)

The dream almost makes things worse - I still remember that baby in my arms....

Monday, February 13, 2012

Teeny tiny little bit of spotting.

Which could be many things.
I am strangely optimistic.  I feel like that is just twin #1 digging in a little.  No big deal.

I just had tea on Saturday with a lady from the fertility yoga class (who is now pg), and she reminded me "Spotting is good!  Lots of ladies have seen spotting and stopped taking their drugs and lost their babies."  So I will keep up the prog cream until a full CD1 hits - and keep calm and carry on.

It is also too early for my spotting to begin if I am following the pattern of the last few cycles - spotting shouldn't start until CD28+, and it is only CD24, which is also good.  Or it could just be different.

I have more thoughts, but am feeling sort of spacey, I will go see how y'all are doing out there in the blogosphere.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Dear Progesterone Cream

Dear Progesterone Cream,

I know we've only been in a relationship since CD17 and it is CD21 today, but I feel I have to say it - I Love You!  My boobs might still be sore, but with my progesterone level being 51.1 makes me very happy.

Infertile CS

Hello Ladies!
I've been busy all week patiently waiting.  I alternate between thoughts of the "twins" in there, and the really kick-ass BFN vacation we're going to take.  I am seriously obsessed with this potential vacation - it will be a HUGE letdown if we get a BFN, so this is to take the edge off.  And wouldn't it be lovely to walk about in sandals and a dress, sipping a cocktail?  Yes indeedy!
But more lovely would obviousy be a BFP.  ;)  In that case - who needs a vacation?!?!  Get thee to the library, for preggo books aplenty would be fun enough for me!

I've been using the progesterone cream since CD17 - my boobs are still sore on and off, but I am SO happy with my progesterone number from today's test!  Nurse Cheese even said my numbers were "great".  (Um, hello, expectations?  Settle down!)

By today I couldn't stand it - I felt like shouting "WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?"  During the follicular phase you have pictures and stats every other day - and since the Big Event - radio silence.  But now at least I have some stats to make me feel good.  They also did a (very painful) wanding, but I could not for the life of me get from the nurse what she saw.  English problems, and I just gave up - I've been a bit melancholy all day.

But tonight progeterone is good, DH and I are having make your own pizza night (my fav!), we've got some near-beer here - yeeeeeeeeehaw!

By the numbers:
Estrogen:  484
Progesterone:  51.1  (BOOOOYAH!  Even Dr Nora would be moderately pleased, I think)
LH:  14.6
FSH: 3.0

Sunday, February 5, 2012

17x10^6 & Progesterone Plot

17 millllllion!
That's how many little swimmers we had after sperm wash!  Yay!
YAY!  Hip hip horray!
That is quite excellent!  (For reference, Dr only wants >10 million)  There will be no male factor this round, fo' shizzle!  Dr did mention the sample was very viscous, and was hard to break up.  Maybe this is a factor for us?  Numbers ok, but consistency not great?

I'm due back in 5 days to check progesterone levels.  He wants the level between 30 and 60.  He says a lot of clinics supplement after Clomid, but he doesn't think I'll need it (but of course we'll see).  Here is a question - if you have two eggs, do you need twice as much progesterone?  I gave up on Dr Google for that one, but I found this really fun info on progesterone.  I liked the youtube vids myself.

My progesterone plot was as follows:  Wait for either
a.  Testing showing progesterone was low
b.  Sore boobies  (for I feel this is worth investigating as a cause of sore boobies - the other possible causes don't seem to work with me, with the possible exception of dairy)

And then begin to use natural progesterone cream.  But will it be too late then?  Should I use just a wee dab tomorrow?  Can it hurt?  Or even today?  The Internet has made me really excited about progesterone cream.  I think I'm going to go for it.

Something very interesting - when the doc was down there, he muttered "It almost looks like endo".  What what now?  I questioned him about this later, and he said there were some red spotches on my cervix that almost looked like endo.  Well well.  JB, I bet you are right!!!  So maybe there is a chance of this working, but if not - darn good thing I have that lap scheduled!  I mentioned it again to Dr A, and he sort of nodded that it was a good thing to investigate.  This is quite an about face from the "you don't have endo" of six months ago!

Go Pats!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Superbowl Sunday is to be the big day

They are closed on Saturday.  Again.

On Friday Nurse Cheese called me to say it would be Sunday.  But I called back, and the receptionist slipped and said they were closed Saturday.  Then Cheese came on and did her best to convince me Sunday was really the right day for me.  Why on earth I had to go in Wed/Thurs/Fri and then skip the day before the big event doesn't sit too well with me.  Poot.


Estrogen:  1483  (See?  I knew it was BS me only having one egg!)
LH:  9.5  (Well, they are right, I'm not there yet.  But maybe I am today.)
Progesterone:  3.9
FSH:  2.2
Lining:  11mm
Lefty:  I think it was ~23mm.  Are you thinking overripe??
Righty:  I think it was ~21mm.
Today is CD15, so the IUI will be on CD16, again.

But, I do suppose that the last one sort-of worked.  Despite knowing I sound crazy, I do really think I was preggo for 3 days on my natural IUI.  Now I have an ace-in-the-hole - natural progesterone cream.  :)  Maybe.

DH and I had a bit of a talk about the actual procedure.  At that time on Sunday he had planned to be at a workout with his team.  But... I sort of said he had to come.  Although technically not needed... our child could be conceived!  He should be there, I am thinking.  And I want someone to hold my hand for 15 mintues while I lay on the table. So I felt bad and sort of needy for asking him to be late to his workout, but he also agreed in the end he should be there.

Since tomorrow is Superbowl, I think if IUI works, should we name the baby "Patty" if the Patriots win?!  Har har.  DH just said he wants the name "Tom"  - hee hee.

Friday, February 3, 2012

A bit of a freak out last night

So last night I had a bit of a freak out.  Am I doing the right thing here?!  All signs point to that I ovulate every month - how is forcing two eggs really changing anything?  <cue freakout, skip choir, why is this so hard?  etc.>

BUT.  With a night's sleep, I have some clarity.

What started me off a bit was Nurse Cheese yesterday - "Ok, you can begin timed intercourse tomorrow" in a chipper way after she took my blood.  Um, come again?  We've been having reseasonably timed BD for 2.5 years.  One extra follicle isn't going to cut it.  This is not the point of all this wanding and hot flashes.

And then Dr A chimes in, "I don't normally like to do IUI with only two follicles".   WTIF?!

For you see, this cycle is a crapshoot - but at least there is a point to it.  It has already been 7 months since DH's numbers are up.  I think it is safe to say we are no longer Male Factor. So something else is up.

I still haven't ruled out cervical issues.  We know I have a damaged cervix.  How well is this cervix working?!  You really can't say. So... IUI.  I do think I was pg for at least 3 days last time, but it didn't stick.  Just to at least be a little pregnant is a step in the right direction.

If it IS cervical issues, then more follicles is bad.  It really would lead to high order multiples.  Two follicles will be just fine, thank you.  Until this cycle fails miserably, I don't know that jamming many mature follicles in there is a good idea.

Or, it could be endo.  I am having more and more random lady pains.  The plan is clear - if this IUI doesn't work, my surgery is already scheduled.  I had nothing to do between now and then anyway, I think fitting in an IUI makes sense.  And then come March when I have the lap (if not pg), I will know for sure either way about the endo, so I can check that off the list.

I really feel like I am swimming upstream against the REs of the world here.  It is all well and good to say "You have to find out what is wrong with you", but it is easier said than done.  It is a philosophy I agree with (and always have, and have stated that several times), but when it comes down it it, I am not in charge of what tests get run and what experiments are done.  Even the lap I really had to push for.

To continue down the path of slightly crazy going it alone - I randomly came accross sperm antibodies as a potential IF cause.  The book recommended having protected BD (for at leasat 30 days) until the one ideal day, so the body wouldn't have time to create anti-bodies.  Well, that is easy enough.  So the only time this month DH and I will unprotected BD will be the IUI itself.  You could say we're 'all in'.

And one more thing - my EWCM day was yesterday.  My CM is pretty crappy in general - I swear the Napro method does not work for me, Dr Nora bawled me out over it and told me I'm doing it wrong, but it is true.  Anyway - I am using preseed until the IUI.  To keep the pH of the hoohaa less acidic, and create a better environment for the spermies.  I know I risk an infection to keep the pH lower for so long (hopefully IUI is today and it isn't so long!), but I think it is worth it.  Dr Nora is right, when REs ignore CM it is not good.

Even the timing of this is a bit stressful.  If I am not at work today it is sorta-bad, and I have to move a couple of meetings, and skip one I should be co-presenter in.  If that's the case, I'd like to give my boss a head's up and start in on moving those meetings, setting an out of office, etc.  [And what on earth do I say?  A doc appt 'just turned up all of a sudden'?]  And what about poor DH?  But what if RE says Saturday is the day?  Which I think it not a good plan, last time they were a day late - better a day early.

Yesterday's numbers:
Estrogen 1022 (and Nurse Cheese specifically told me they thing I have one egg, but I think that is BS.  I do think there might be some unit confusion here and this number is lower than you'd think in Imperial.  Maybe.)
LH 8.1 (not there yet)
Pro 3.5
FSH 3.2
Left: 21.7mm
Right:  21.5 mm, 10.7mm
Lining: ~10mm (good)

Why is this so hard?  I am continually scheming.  I don't think I have much more of this left in me.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Not quite there yet....

Nurse Cheese called and said I was not quite there yet.  I am to go in tomorrow.  But it is CD12.  Of COURSE I am not quite there yet!  Does Clomid make things move along faster?  I am normally a CD15 or CD16 kinda gal.  And lately I've had longer cycles by a few days, so I was thinking it would lean more towards CD16.

This becomes tricky to time DH to be at optimal levels. 

By the numbers:
Lefty:  21.2 mm  (what happened to my dual 11mms?  I don't know.  Couldn't see the monitor either, it was the other room, and a different wander today.)
Righty:  20.8mm, with a bonus 10.8mm for good company.
Lining:  8.8mm
Estrogen:  872.  I had an interesting estrogen converstaion with Nurse Cheese.  I asked "Is my estrogen too high?" this morning, and she was all, "No, we like to see 1000 per mature follicle, so we're looking for 2000 for you.".  But I choose to believe the Internte that told me 200-600 per mature follice, since I now seem to have 2 mature-ish follicles and am sitting under 2000!  And I like to believe they both have eggs in them!  (Pretty please?!?)
LH:  5.7.  So.... no surge yet.  Normally I am a good surger.  So maybe tomorrow or Friday?  Don't want overripe follicles!  This happened last time, follicles didn't match LH timing very well.
Progesterone:  3.0
FSH:  2.1

Thanks LisaB!  Love the comment about triplets with two follicles! :)  So festive.  DH and I already had a laugh at - "Well, we could still have quads!"

I've been pretty ouchy with lots of follicle pain.  Bah.

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