Sunday, May 29, 2011

Of Grandfathers and cousins

DH's cousin is here for the weekend - the one that is also IF.  It's nice to be able to openly talk about IF with some of the family.  They haven't started their first IVF yet, they still have greencard paperwork to go through in the States.  But she totally gets how I feel.  Is good.  :)

We went for Karaoke yesterday afternoon - pretty darn fun!  They all sang Chinese songs mostly, but it was still neat.  Then the wedding meal for the cousin, since the Grandma couldn't go to Taiwan for the wedding.

We're going out to DH's Grandpa's grave today.  DH is sort of abashed I haven't 'met' his Grandfather yet.  Speaking of Grandfathers... my step-mom's father died yesterday.  It seems no one is really super surprised, he's been heading downhill that last few years.  But I am surprised they don't want me to fly out to BC or Calgary for the funeral!  We flew my step-sis in for my Grandma's funeral, I thought it was really nice she was there.  But, to each their own.  Obvi I won't go if they don't want to make a big deal out of it.  At least I'll try to call her today.  We've been sort of drifting apart... I'm kind of too lame for her, as I like going to sleep early, and I don't like casino gambling...  but whatev.

But first things first today  - waffle party.  Buckwheat waffles for me, yo!  (With Sheep Ice Cream!  What!)

Friday, May 27, 2011

Last Foga class


Tonight was the last fertility yoga (or Foga, as I've started thinking about it as) class of the series I had signed up for.  It was really nice.  I was pretty close to skipping, since it actually wasn't going to be yoga at all, it was let's-talk-about-our-feelings night - but in the end, I'm so glad I went.

This was the first time all six of us (missed you Butterfly!) went out after class - and I swear, that's the best part.  It was really nice to connect with everyone one last time - and there is an IUI and and two IVFs coming up for ladies in the group soon, I have my fingers crossed!

Everyone's story is so different, it's really amazing to see all of these beautiful women coming together, each with our own challenges and path.  Who knows, maybe we'll even have a "class reunion" in a few months - that would be great!  :)

As for me, it's been an uneventful week.  I think I am seeing a very faint LH surge, so let's get ready to ruuuummmmbbblllle!  And although I've been complaining about CM for the last few days, just maybe it is looking ok now, tonight.  This morning I checked - no good.  Creamy at best.  But I think I (TMI) saw some good Egg Whites on the toilet paper this evening.

Maybe the royal jelly is helping after all?  Let me tell you - it tastes AWFUL.  But it costs like a million dollars, I don't want to waste it, so I have to lick the spoon.  Blech.

On the other plus side is that DH has started with man fertility shakes.  I put lots of black Maca in them for him.

Also, I think I may try to be super open about our IF with my new choir buddies.  One of the ladies is a MIDWIFE.  I picture in my head her asking if we have children, and me saying casually, "Oh, no, we're IF right now.", or "I wish!".  We'll see if I'm brave enough when the time comes.  I'm past the shame-point about it, so... there's really no reason not to tell.  Better to increase awareness... but still, I suppose we'll see.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The TEBB days

I hate macs.
Seriously, I had this post written, and poof! Is gone.

Something to the effect of:

So my last post was sort of tongue in cheek.  I don't fully believe we are 100% MF.  We've tried 19 times.  19 times!  If we are just having low man numbers, you would think statistically we'd have caught by now.

And the doc even said, "I've seen men with lower numbers than you get a 40 year old pregnant!"


To me this says that something else might be up.  To be sure, we didn't baby dance optimally for MF, but still....

So the question is this - opinions please, ladies.    To go to a Naturopath, and work on my cycle until it is PERFECT, or just wait 6 months and see what happens (which might be good to take a break?  Or at least for a month or two?).   At which point we'll do IUI, a few of those don't work, I start taking fertility meds, and/or then go to a Naturopath to perfect my cycle.  My cycle certainly isn't terrible, but it isn't perfect.  All of this of course also sort of depends on how DH's numbers go - if they start to get better, if not, if they plateau... what is happening with that.

I know I'm going to sound like a nut-bar if I go to a Western doc with any complaints, since officially I'm a-ok.  Arg.  Good thing there is Yoga tomorrow night!

Monday, May 16, 2011

The big reveal - you are infertile because....

...ah.... male factor?

Today was our follow-up appointment after my cycle monitoring, to go through all the test results and look at our options.  It's funny, everything was pretty expected, but I still feel worn out after talking for so long with Dr A (we were there like 1 hr+).

DH:  Essentially, everything looks good from a disease/bloodwork point of view.  (Why is it that I giggle when someone mentions syphilis?  We made jokes each time the doctor said we didn't have syphilis.  If you have syphilis, I'm very sorry.  But really, it is a disease for 19th century poets, non?). 

His ALT was slightly high, but probably nothing to worry about.  He is supposed to get it rechecked in a month (this has to do with liver function).

DH does have high cholesterol, which seems to be bad for the spermies.  We already eat all the foods on the mayo clinic top-5 good foods to eat to lower your cholesterol!  Sheesh.  Poor DH - it must be genetic.  Well, we've been slacking on the oatmeal lately, I guess we'll go back to it (although I seem to do better with higher protein - are we going to end up eating different meals?  Yikes!)  Unless somehow some transfats are sneaking into his diet somehow?  hrmm.

ME:  Again, everything hunky-dory.  My FSH is 7.7, which I think is good.  He said I was a cholesterol and blood sugar super star (which is crazy, since I feel shaky half the time, but that is neither here nor there).  My estrogen was slightly high (peak value was 800 - hrmm... Dr Google seems to think that's ok, but Dr A thought it was a bit high).  He would want to see me having a longer luteal phase, but who doesn't? Hopefully flax will help lengthen my cycle a little.


The grand summary is that DH doesn't have enough progressively motile sperm.  And as he's recently had surgery to maybe help with that... well, we'll see.  The plan is to keep trying for the next 6 months while we wait to see if DH's numbers improve .  He said if DH's sperm plateau, and we get nada for 6 months after that, it's time to come back in and reassess our options.  Like,  duh. But he did say we can come in before that if we want.  (Which, if you do the math, we will - essentially, unless we catch, we're back in 6 months, regardless of sperm improvement.)

So we'll give 'er the old college try for the next few months.  That's going to put us right around our "2nd anniversary cut-off".... which we may of course just chuck depending on our mood and how things are going.  DH is being a very good sport about not drinking and giving up Diet Coke and caffeine and all high fructose corn syrup.  I suppose we'll need to add trans-fats to the list specifically - I sort of assume I don't get any, since I just don't eat that kind of food, but maybe with his high cholesterol we will have to double-check.

In other news - I decided to join the choir of a church about a 10 min walk from home.  My only hobby has been IF for the last 1.5 years, it's getting out of hand.   I never really expected to be 'here' this long.   I like singing in choirs (not that I'm particularly good at it - but churches can't really say no), so there you have it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me 18 times - shame on me.

"Hey Aunt Flo."

"Hey darlin'!"

"Ah, you tricked me into a little bit of hope this month.  I thought just maybe... with those sore boobs and the spotting but no actual Flo...."

"It wasn't meant to be."

"I hate when people say that."


"Hey....say, you're semi-mystical, right?  A somewhat unpredictable monthly visitor who often seems like she's coming for days, and for days after you're gone leaves a calling card?"

"Sure am!"

"You gotta line on any storks that arn't busy?"

"Oh no!  Dear me!  Storks and Aunt Flos are like werewolves and vampires - natural enemies."


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Surgery went ok!

My dear darling DH's surgery went well today.  I sat with him for a while in recovery, and the surgeon came by and said everything went well, no surprises.  Good!  Phew!  He is so brave to undergo a surgery with painful recovery just to increase our chances!  :)  He is taking a week off work, and is on some Perco.cet now.  Thank you all for your positive energy! :)

Am still obsessed with progesterone today.   Even took a stroll through the Carrot dispensary looking for 'N.atural Prog.esterone' - no luck.  It seems like I got a good tip at Fertility Yoga class last Friday about flaxseeds.  I've been adding them to my morning fertility shake ever since.  Maybe they will lengthen my luteal phase?  That would be excellent.  And maybe I should eat some yams?  Ahaha - love Dr Google!

I think I'm addicted to fertility shake.  Love it.  Here is my current recipe:
  • Almond milk
  • 1/2 or 1 bananna
  • 1/4 avocado 
  • Heaping tablespoons of:
    • Hemp Protein
    • Gre.ens+
    • Groud Flaxseed
    • Carob (since I limit caffeine - but cocoa tastes better.  I am used to carob now, it's not so bad)
Yum!  For a lark, I took my temp this morning - nice and high (it is CD24).  Boobs are still sore (TMI good thing about working from home is that I don't need to wear a bra!).  All good.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I am almost afraid not to have my shake in the morning....

Monday, May 9, 2011

Surgery tomorrow!

So I had my Mother's Day wanding - everything looks ok.  Good and all, but I think my issues come with low progesterone, late in the cycle.  I mentioned that during the wanding.  My first blood test with them (before this cycle CD1) they even mentioned low progesterone, it is not totally all in my head.

Then I had a confusing conversation with the wander - she was like - "Come back on Sunday for your next blood test.", and I was all like, "But that will be too late to see my low progesterone.  I will have my period by then." and then she was all like, "How about Friday?", and I was like "ah... ok.. but that's a bit late..?"

And then she called me after the results were in, and said Sunday, to come in for pregnancy test, if I don't have AF by then.  Alas, I was out for lunch with my Mom, and I was sort of stuck at the table - I should have made an effort to get up and walk away and talk to the lady more.  Hindsight.

Why don't they care about my hormone levels between CD22 and AF?  A pg test is a total waste of time.  It sort of pisses me off.  AF will get here when she gets here.  And if she's late (which she rarely is more than 1 day late), I can POAS, then go in if some magic occurs.

So ladies, my question is this - is that normal they don't care?  WHY don't they care?  Is it statistically unlikely to have anything bad happen between CD22 and CD26 (when AF usually comes)?  I would have thought you'd see my progesterone nice and high now (boobs are sore), but somewhere a day or so before spotting starts they'll stop hurting and spotting will start and AF will come.  THAT is where my cycle breaks down, the rest of it is ok.  Or is that just happening because there was nothing to implant because we're MF?

This sort of kept me up last night, as silly as it sounds.

DH's surgery tomorrow!  I am working from home so I can take care of him.  Hope it goes well!  I was also kept up wondering if we're doing the right thing - there was only one bad test.  What if the lab did something wrong!?  Augh!  Well, too late now.  He's got to be there at 6:30am tomorrow.

Friday, May 6, 2011

M's Day

So I'm not that into Mother's Day.  I don't have a very close relationship with my Mother (long story - nothing horrid), so I usually do some sort of obligatory card or something, but I'm just not that into it.

My Mom is down for the weekend - which normally means a very stressful weekend for me, but I'm trying to head into this positively.  She is at least making the effort to come down, which I give her props for.

And even though I will spend Sunday morning being wanded - well, I don't really care.  I was thinking about it today - I think it is because I have so much trouble seeing myself as a future Mother, that I don't feel a sense of loss on this day. 

I am worried about how to slip away for the wanding - haven't told me Mum yet, and don't really want to.  Perhaps my Aunt can run interference for me.  Empathy is not Mom's strong point, and really, everyone in our family has all sorts of unexpected teenage pregnancies, it will be hard for her to relate.  And then everyone would know about it.

For everyone else that does feel a sense of loss - particularly if you've had maybe a miscarriage - my heart does go out to you, and I'll be thinking of all the sad IF ladies on Sunday.

Yoga was great tonight - so nice to see the ladies, even if I did have to dash off cuz DH and Mom were waiting around the corner for me!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Today's ABCs of IF

Stole this from SLESE.  Figured I'd break up the 2WW with a little alphabetical fun!
A. Age when you started TTC: 31
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: BD!
C. Children wanted: At least two - I'd like 3 really, but DH isn't sure.  But I know they're harder to take care of that it seems from the outside, so maybe I'd change my mind at 2.  :)  We still float the idea of adopting or fostering a third.
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:   None.  I wouldn't mind a dog, but as we both work long hours, it doesn't seem appropriate.  And we don't really have much of a backyard or anything.
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Yes!  I'm on a new pre-natal from the doc (with TALC in it!  Really?  This is good for me?), I usually take some fish oil every day - and cod liver oil if we're in Vitamin D winter, or I think I won't get any sun.  And I'm on a Gre.ens+ kick - it can't hurt.  And maybe is making my skin slightly better?
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: None.
G. Gain: Well, a stronger marriage.  No weight gain, since I haven't taken any fertility meds.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear!
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: IF being referred to as a disease.  Drives me insane.  I have a post swimming around in my head about this.  I view IF as a symptom.
J. Job title: Senior Engineer

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Can't really share - has to stay between myself and DH.  I will say we were planning for an Eliot, but it got scooped up recently by close friends.  D'Oh!
L. Length of time TTC: 18 months.
M. Miscarriages: 0.  Never ever ever been even a little bit pg.  :(

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Once.  So far.  Depending on how things go this year, I may jump ship.
O. Ovarian quality: good or ok.

P. POAS or wait for AF: After the first few months - wait for AF.  She shows up reliably enough.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Oh, just go off birth control, you're be pregnant in four months!" x3
R. Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr Awesome.  Is smart, sometimes funny, conceited, and assures me he will get me pg.  To me this means nothing - he has no stake in the matter.  If I'm not pg in two years - he can say, "oh well", but the cost/heartache will be significantly higher for me.  He's also said, "Just relax and stop trying." "Why do you want kids anyway?" - all of which are yellow flags for me.
S. Sperm: Not so good.  First test came back pretty good - but second one is making us look like we're MF.  DH in for surgery next week that might help.
T. Time you tried naturally:  Still am.  Am quite suspicious of IVF.
U. Uterus quality: Retroverted, but ok.  Small fibroid outside.
V. Vagina: You mean whooha?  Vajayjay?  Vagine?  Ah... ok, I guess.  (And we all know about my cervix!)

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Nothing.  Believe it to be back luck.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My wonderful blogsisters, all the lurkers out there, my two bffs, one other friend, my closest Aunt, and some of DH's friends.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yes.
Z. Zits: Yes.  Terrible skin.  Used ProA.ctive for a while before the wedding, but now refuse to put such chemicals on my skin, although it did work for me.  For a while was getting ovulation blemish and period blemish, when on Chinese herbs.  Skin is pretty good for far this month, nothing too bad.

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?  (I reserve the right to re-post this in a year to see how it's changed!)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

LH is 48

What on earth does that mean?   Well... Doctor Google didn't really help me out too much on this one.  Seems a little high, but generally ok.  The nurse seemed pleased when she called.

My CM was pretty crappy this month.  That is disappointing.  Was it all the goat milk/cheese?  I can't think of anything else really bad or less-optimal I've done - nary a drop of vino has passed my lips.   Although I've had soy sauce a bunch of times, in general I've barely had any gluten - although I suppose that is supposed to take like 60 days to matter.  And I've been pretty good about exercise - although one can always exercise more (if you're me anyway, and tend towards lazy).

Next month we'll be in recovery mode for DH, so we'll be taking it 'off', I'm assuming (back to a glass of vino now and then!).  So maybe month after that I should buy some Ferti.leCM or some Royal Jelly? 

Anyone have experience with Fer.tileCM?  Have you actually taken it?  Did it improve CM?

Today is rather gray out, and I'm very blaah.......

Appleseed grows

Lilypie Maternity tickers