Thursday, February 16, 2012

A rough couple of days...

When people casually ask, "Hey, how's it goin'?" I say "Ok" automatically and then think 'That was a LIE'.  I feel like I've been having a rough couple of days.  There was much crying an knashing of teeth and AF came on Tuesday.  I actuually left work early, I was just too weepy.

And I worked from home on Wednesday.  DH and I had a big crying fight Wednesday morning - I think really due to the fact we both felt so sad and helpless.

It has really hit me - I am pretty sure we're going to see our third IF-iversary.  This is something I really have not wanted to see.  But it is looking pretty darn likely.  I had almost convinced myself it was my cervix we were needing to just 'junp'.  But I suppose not.  Next on the docket - endo.  We'll see... after that?  Dunno.  Adoption.  IVF?  Ai ya.

DH and I talked more about adoption.  We're even talking about forgetting about waiting for the April info session, to get on the list for a home study sooner rather than later.  Right now we are thinking private adoption isn't the way to go - frankly, we're too old, and I don't think I could take the heartbreak if the birth parents changed their minds.  And it seems... I don't know, CAS kids are free.  They arn't babies and they will not be perfect, but... I do like the concept.

My Dad said nice adoption things on the phone tonight, and it does really make me feel better to hear that.  Even though he said it before, it was very soothing.

But this all weighs sort of heavily on me now.  We are about to go on a little mini vacation with family - at least we're visiting his IF cousin.  :)  I think I may boycott fertiles and their offspring for a while.  I just can't do it.


  1. I am so sorry. I have been in this emotional state many times in the past. So so so frustrating. I am glad that you are looking into adoption options. I found that reading more about adoption really helped me not only understand the process but opened my heart that much more. Prayers for you!

  2. Unfortunately I know these feelings all too well. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

    Hugs and prayers for you!

  3. (((Big hugs))) I'm so sorry hun. It is really difficult and takes a lot out of you. I think it's wonderful to look into other options. You can always keep trying and have other plans in place - it's nice to have things to look forward to. Hoping for your miracle xo
    (I went private because of some stuff going on. If you email me at I can invite you).


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